Things Not Seen: Part 1-A Reflection of the Beginning of a Loss

Today is the anniversary of the “beginning of the end” for my mother, Christiner W. Crosby, who on October 3, 2007 fell and shattered her right femur and hip while in the hospital. That day set in motion 30 days of me preparing to lose someone who you deeply loved. For the next 30 days, I will write about the things my mother missed. The first is quite painfully because I selfishly denied her the opportunity to see it in December 1995. I completed my Bachelor’s degree in the summer of 1995 and chose not to walk in the December commencement. My mother was very upset but I assured her that she would see me walk when I got my Masters. That never happened because she died six months before I completed my Masters degree. If I could go back and change that moment, I would.

Now I can only reflect on what could have been. If my mother were present for all three of my graduations: Bachelors, Masters, and PhD, she would have probably put out a full page add on Facebook to share her joy. I remember fondly when I entered Kutztown we were living at the Pike motel and I wasn’t sure if I should go to college. My mother encouraged me to go and get my education regardless of our families situation of having to live in transitional housing and not having a home. I am thankful that she did. Because of her and my father, I am a well educated woman who working in a field that I love: Early Childhood Education and I have had the opportunity to change the lives of children through helping my students become great teachers.

That said I will forever live with the pain of being selfish.

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 10-After Death

In the 10 years that have past since my mother's death on November 3, I am reminded of the legacy my mother left me and how because of her strength, I have grown into a strong, educated woman. Although my mother has missed much of this transformation over the past 10 years, I am comforted by the lessons her death have taught me, which include:

1. Grieving is o.k. and evolves over time. Someone accused me of holding onto my grief. I know this now is not true but that what I am going through is natural for someone who loved another human being deeply. My mother's impact on my life was much more than I could have ever have know and that is was death that taught me how much she impacted my life. 
2. Death must be embraced. Death is coming for everyone we love as well as ourselves. Avoiding discussions of death and avoiding dealing with death are simply not health acts. Yes, they protect us temporarily but in the end they can cause more harm than good. As a child, I had two early deaths of family friends, they deeply impacted me and affected my perception of death. Since then and certainly since my mother's death, I am more comfortable with what death brings. I am may not like it, but I accept it. The 30 days it took my mother to die, taught me the process of death, which was relearned when a friend died shortly after her death. 
3. We must live. That I have done since her death. Even in the hours after her death, I could hear her words regarding getting my education. I finished that semester she died strong, graduated with almost a 4.0 (3.8) for my masters and would go on to get my PhD with Distinction (3.971) nine years after her death. I also continued her legacy of deep compassion for others in my work as a professor and when I was program director at the child care level. 
4. You must take care of your health. So would say I am overly cautions about my health, I would say that I would like to avoid preventable conditions. My mother died much too young and ultimately for a whole bag full of diseases that are treatable. I do not blame her for her death, because the cards were truly stacked against her but I am reminded of how precious our health is. 
5. Reading is important. That lesson did not die with my mother. She was a voracious reader and I am now too. I have read anywhere between 100-200 books a year since her death. There is great comfort found. 
6. People will disappoint and you must forgive them. Many disappointed me during the time of my mother's death and the years after. I am still working on forgiving them. But I will one day. 

Until We Meet Again..............

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 9-DNR

Today and the next three days were truly the worst days of my life. It is the time that I finally accepted that death would be coming for my mother and it did on November 3. Prior to that day, I would visit with her two last times: One I regret and the other my father and I had to make that decision that honored her wishes.

The regret comes in the words I spoke to my mother on October 31 (I told her that if she would not eat, she was going to die) and the other was placing a DNR or Do Not Resuscitate order on my mother’s life on November 2 after a massive heart attack. This decision was made quickly after realizing that she was well on her way to heaven and the machines were only allowing her to remain for a little while so we could say goodbye. I gave her my goodbye on November 2nd, when I whispered into her ear that is was ok to let go. Apparently, my mother thought I would completely be a hot mess after her death. That mess did comes in waves and lead to me developing anxiety and panic attacks but it also was uplifted in how how I carried myself as we prepared for memorial service.

The lessons learned the last four years of my mother’s life will last a lifetime. One lesson that I learned is that you must accept death and all that comes before it happens. Although miracles happen, saving someone from death, this is not the case for body and mind that has endure tremendous pain and struggle. My mother was tired in the end. Her last 30 years of life were spent in pain.

I firmly believe that she hung in there for those 30 days to allow us to accept that death was coming. I am thankful that she did. It allowed me to be able to write my eulogy for her and tribute for my Dad.

Another lesson I learned is that many will disappoint you when your love ones die. I am still working on the forgiveness part for this but hopefully well before the 20th anniversary I will forgive those who disappointed me.

The last lesson is that grief is a lonely place. Even as I put on the fake smiles this week, only one human being recognized how this might be a difficult week for me. I will though spend the next three days with a few distractions, a prayer for two of my students who going through very difficulty things, and reflections.

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 8-A Marriage Proposal

On October 28, 2007 (my brother's birthday), my filled one of her last requests before her death on November 3, comical one at that! The last time she saw my Sweetie she gave him a deathbed message that we will remember for a lifetime: She told him that it was time for him to marry me! Ironically, my niece, Quira told us that we should get married in December. Now you would have to ask me to tell you in person how it was said. Now 10 years later we are not married but still together. I often get the following questions from friends, family, and total strangers: 

• Are you going to move near him? 
• When are you guys going to get married? 
• Are you going to have children? 

Really it amazing how uncomfortable people are with a woman who is childless and has never been married when they are 44 years of age. It is really no one's business. I and he are quite HAPPY! We have been together for 13 years and have made our relationship work. We probably talk more than most married couples do! It remains to be seen if we get married, but if or when we do only a few will know about the ceremony. I am not a fan of big affairs and much rather have intimate affair with very close family and friends. 

My mother definitely knew that he was the one. She wrote him a letter shortly after we started dating in 2004 and it basically stated how happy she was that he was dating me and that she hoped we be together for a long time. 

More to come on this one! 

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 7-What You Have Missed

As I watched the video above, I am reminded that there are millions of people who lost their mother long before they should have. It is truly amazing how much my mother missed after she died. Here is a running list of some of the events I wish I could have shared with her: 

2008-My first new car and my Masters graduation. I owed her this one since I decided to skip my Bachelor's graduation. It was also the year I went back to a natural hairstyle. The election of Obama!! She was robbed! 

2009-Finding Dad near death and his PD diagnosis. 

2010-Taking her out for her 60th Birthday, Red Lobster style!  

2011-2016-Her support during my PhD program. I most definitely would have been less stressed. 

2013-My frozen shoulder diagnosis. I sure could have used my mom during this time. 

2014-My cancer scare after my 2nd Mammogram and subsequent biopsy. 

2015-Celebrating her 65th Birthday!! She would have a huge party for sure! 

2016-My PhD graduation 

2017-My GERD diagnosis. She probably would have caught this long before it started. 

Most importantly, she missed my transition from young adult years into my middle-aged years. I have so many questions about this time of life, that she certainly would have guided me through. Over the past 10 years, I have thought about that phrase: "It's Never Goodbye". I am believe and I believe this but in the land of the living it truly is. I know longer can hear my mother's voice, smell her scent nor get a huge when life gets hard. But what she did leave me with are beautiful memories and reminders that her strength resides in those left behind. 

Now in the next edition I will talk about her her dying wish.

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 6-Forgiveness for Disappointments

Before and my mother's death I learned a great lesson: I have difficulty forgiving those who disappointed me during the most challenging period of my life. Although there have been many disappointments since my mother's death at the hands of others those that occurred during that 30-period between her fall and death hurt the most. There are times when I think I should write those who caused the additional "daggers of pain" a letter or call them and tell them how I feel. Then I remember forgiveness is not for the offender but for the offended. 

The only way to heal from hurt is to pray that we can forgive those, basically, let it go. This secretly has been difficult for me with some not all. Thankfully during that same year, a great friend fell deathly ill, and I was able to forgive them and be there for them in one of their more difficult times in their life. 

As givers, we always give, often at the expense of our health, but there comes a time when we must learn that as humans we are flawed. And we all disappoint many during our lifetime. 

I do hope that when the next difficult times in my life occur,  those that disappointment take another chance to for me to forgive both them and myself. For now, I will forgive myself for having a deep anger over not having those who I needed around fully when my mother was dying. Death is difficult for all of us but in death we need our friends and family to take that edge off of the grief we will feel. 

As am still grieving for my mother, I am thankful I have a few great souls in my life who still check in and understand this. For I am not only a motherless daughter but a woman who has chosen to not bear children during her lifetime. Both make holidays and mother's day painful. 

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 5-The Mind Gone Awry

I remember when I first heard this song by Pink which was released a year before my mother's death and shortly after one of my mother's manic episodes, which was the most painful: The time she refused to eat because she believed that President Bush was poisoning her food. During that time, she also refused dialysis treatment for the same reason. To top it off, she told me that I was not her daughter. It was one of most painful words I have ever heard from my mother.

As an adult child, who had been right by her side for most of her hospitalizations I could not believe she would utter these words but I had to realize the impact mental illness had on her life. When her episodes were in full throttle, whether manic or depressed, it was clear that mind had gone awry and that I had to forgive her.

Reflecting back on her mental illness it provided some comical moments, sad moments and downright scary moments at times. Like the time she thought she was pregnant by you know who!

But just Monday, my brother reminded me of the power of the mind and its ability to still be there despite the hold of a mental illness. At that time, my mom was home on leave from a mental hospital for the weekend and swiftly put out a fire that started in my brother's room. She moved from mental patient to SUPERHERO. There were many other times, my mother showed this even though she was dealing with a mind that was not playing fair.

I am thankful for my mother's illness. Although it cut her life very short and ultimately was behind her fall that led to her death, it taught many great lessons and made me a stronger human being. It also taught me the importance of taking care of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. She is the one reason why I am not afraid of doctors, although I still go to worse case scenario.

She had a mental illness for all of my life. It took a good decade for the wonder drug to be found, but she paid the price with it affecting her body later on in life.