It's Been a While!

It's been a while, two years to be exact! 

 I created this blog a few years after my mother died as a place of reflection and continual remembrance of what she gave us. When I reflect on Covid-19 its impact so far, I am painfully reminded how it has robbed millions with precious time with their loved ones that can never be regained. Particularly for those who have love ones who were chronically ill or are chronically ill. If you live long enough you, we will have to painfully watch our loved ones' quality of life change. 

Over the past 6 months, I have often been angry at the fact that some seem to have no awareness of the pain COVID-19 has caused. I often wonder if we can forgive those that wanted a hair cut or to watch football when some of us could not see their loved ones for several months or could not be there in the final moments. Not sure if I can on this one. Especially since I haven't forgiven the time around my mother's death. 

I also wonder if my mom is there to receive the loved ones of my friends. Kind of a tour guide of Heaven who has been eavesdropping in on my phone, email, and text conversations. I do hope she does. I hope that see remind the newly entered that the illness that once trapped your body and/or mind was left on earth. 

I hope you let them know that they will visit their loved ones in butterflies and sunsets. 

I hope she lets them know their loved ones will be ok in time. For some, this time is longer and others it is shorter. 

This is dedicated to the numerous colleagues, peers, and students who have lost a loved one this year either to Covid-19 or not. Although the circumstances of my mother's death were quite different 13 years ago in that there was no pandemic. I do want you to know that I am here for all of you. 

One of the greatest gifts my friends and colleagues who knew me well were to understand that grieving is truly a process, unique to every individual, and lives with always. 

Things Not Seen: Part 2 (Health Scares)

My mom missed so much after she departed the land of the living and something she missed that I wish she was here for was the health scares I had after her death: Breast Tumor and Frozen Shoulder.
I am quite certain if she were alive when I when a tumor was discovered in my breast during my second mammogram that I ever had I would not have flipped out. I suspect she would have gently reminded me of my family history of benign breast tumors and that everything would be ok. Instead, I had two weeks of thinking I had cancer. Thinking that I would get very sick despite being a very healthy person.

She also missed when I was diagnosed with a Frozen Shoulder and a time in my life when I first felt helpless. Having her here would have made me feel better. She most likely would have cooked for me, did my hair, and possibly even spent the night with me the first few weeks after my shoulder locked. Thankfully, I did have people to help me but I would have loved to have the love of my mother to help me through.

Interestingly enough, her battles with physical and mental illnesses have taught me that we can survive most things. We can still live even when we are surrounded around a sea of chaos.

Things Not Seen: Part 1-A Reflection of the Beginning of a Loss

Today is the anniversary of the “beginning of the end” for my mother, Christiner W. Crosby, who on October 3, 2007 fell and shattered her right femur and hip while in the hospital. That day set in motion 30 days of me preparing to lose someone who you deeply loved. For the next 30 days, I will write about the things my mother missed. The first is quite painfully because I selfishly denied her the opportunity to see it in December 1995. I completed my Bachelor’s degree in the summer of 1995 and chose not to walk in the December commencement. My mother was very upset but I assured her that she would see me walk when I got my Masters. That never happened because she died six months before I completed my Masters degree. If I could go back and change that moment, I would.

Now I can only reflect on what could have been. If my mother were present for all three of my graduations: Bachelors, Masters, and PhD, she would have probably put out a full page add on Facebook to share her joy. I remember fondly when I entered Kutztown we were living at the Pike motel and I wasn’t sure if I should go to college. My mother encouraged me to go and get my education regardless of our families situation of having to live in transitional housing and not having a home. I am thankful that she did. Because of her and my father, I am a well educated woman who working in a field that I love: Early Childhood Education and I have had the opportunity to change the lives of children through helping my students become great teachers.

That said I will forever live with the pain of being selfish.

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 10-After Death

In the 10 years that have past since my mother's death on November 3, I am reminded of the legacy my mother left me and how because of her strength, I have grown into a strong, educated woman. Although my mother has missed much of this transformation over the past 10 years, I am comforted by the lessons her death have taught me, which include:

1. Grieving is o.k. and evolves over time. Someone accused me of holding onto my grief. I know this now is not true but that what I am going through is natural for someone who loved another human being deeply. My mother's impact on my life was much more than I could have ever have know and that is was death that taught me how much she impacted my life. 
2. Death must be embraced. Death is coming for everyone we love as well as ourselves. Avoiding discussions of death and avoiding dealing with death are simply not health acts. Yes, they protect us temporarily but in the end they can cause more harm than good. As a child, I had two early deaths of family friends, they deeply impacted me and affected my perception of death. Since then and certainly since my mother's death, I am more comfortable with what death brings. I am may not like it, but I accept it. The 30 days it took my mother to die, taught me the process of death, which was relearned when a friend died shortly after her death. 
3. We must live. That I have done since her death. Even in the hours after her death, I could hear her words regarding getting my education. I finished that semester she died strong, graduated with almost a 4.0 (3.8) for my masters and would go on to get my PhD with Distinction (3.971) nine years after her death. I also continued her legacy of deep compassion for others in my work as a professor and when I was program director at the child care level. 
4. You must take care of your health. So would say I am overly cautions about my health, I would say that I would like to avoid preventable conditions. My mother died much too young and ultimately for a whole bag full of diseases that are treatable. I do not blame her for her death, because the cards were truly stacked against her but I am reminded of how precious our health is. 
5. Reading is important. That lesson did not die with my mother. She was a voracious reader and I am now too. I have read anywhere between 100-200 books a year since her death. There is great comfort found. 
6. People will disappoint and you must forgive them. Many disappointed me during the time of my mother's death and the years after. I am still working on forgiving them. But I will one day. 

Until We Meet Again..............

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 9-DNR

Today and the next three days were truly the worst days of my life. It is the time that I finally accepted that death would be coming for my mother and it did on November 3. Prior to that day, I would visit with her two last times: One I regret and the other my father and I had to make that decision that honored her wishes.

The regret comes in the words I spoke to my mother on October 31 (I told her that if she would not eat, she was going to die) and the other was placing a DNR or Do Not Resuscitate order on my mother’s life on November 2 after a massive heart attack. This decision was made quickly after realizing that she was well on her way to heaven and the machines were only allowing her to remain for a little while so we could say goodbye. I gave her my goodbye on November 2nd, when I whispered into her ear that is was ok to let go. Apparently, my mother thought I would completely be a hot mess after her death. That mess did comes in waves and lead to me developing anxiety and panic attacks but it also was uplifted in how how I carried myself as we prepared for memorial service.

The lessons learned the last four years of my mother’s life will last a lifetime. One lesson that I learned is that you must accept death and all that comes before it happens. Although miracles happen, saving someone from death, this is not the case for body and mind that has endure tremendous pain and struggle. My mother was tired in the end. Her last 30 years of life were spent in pain.

I firmly believe that she hung in there for those 30 days to allow us to accept that death was coming. I am thankful that she did. It allowed me to be able to write my eulogy for her and tribute for my Dad.

Another lesson I learned is that many will disappoint you when your love ones die. I am still working on the forgiveness part for this but hopefully well before the 20th anniversary I will forgive those who disappointed me.

The last lesson is that grief is a lonely place. Even as I put on the fake smiles this week, only one human being recognized how this might be a difficult week for me. I will though spend the next three days with a few distractions, a prayer for two of my students who going through very difficulty things, and reflections.

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 8-A Marriage Proposal

On October 28, 2007 (my brother's birthday), my filled one of her last requests before her death on November 3, comical one at that! The last time she saw my Sweetie she gave him a deathbed message that we will remember for a lifetime: She told him that it was time for him to marry me! Ironically, my niece, Quira told us that we should get married in December. Now you would have to ask me to tell you in person how it was said. Now 10 years later we are not married but still together. I often get the following questions from friends, family, and total strangers: 

• Are you going to move near him? 
• When are you guys going to get married? 
• Are you going to have children? 

Really it amazing how uncomfortable people are with a woman who is childless and has never been married when they are 44 years of age. It is really no one's business. I and he are quite HAPPY! We have been together for 13 years and have made our relationship work. We probably talk more than most married couples do! It remains to be seen if we get married, but if or when we do only a few will know about the ceremony. I am not a fan of big affairs and much rather have intimate affair with very close family and friends. 

My mother definitely knew that he was the one. She wrote him a letter shortly after we started dating in 2004 and it basically stated how happy she was that he was dating me and that she hoped we be together for a long time. 

More to come on this one! 

10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 7-What You Have Missed

As I watched the video above, I am reminded that there are millions of people who lost their mother long before they should have. It is truly amazing how much my mother missed after she died. Here is a running list of some of the events I wish I could have shared with her: 

2008-My first new car and my Masters graduation. I owed her this one since I decided to skip my Bachelor's graduation. It was also the year I went back to a natural hairstyle. The election of Obama!! She was robbed! 

2009-Finding Dad near death and his PD diagnosis. 

2010-Taking her out for her 60th Birthday, Red Lobster style!  

2011-2016-Her support during my PhD program. I most definitely would have been less stressed. 

2013-My frozen shoulder diagnosis. I sure could have used my mom during this time. 

2014-My cancer scare after my 2nd Mammogram and subsequent biopsy. 

2015-Celebrating her 65th Birthday!! She would have a huge party for sure! 

2016-My PhD graduation 

2017-My GERD diagnosis. She probably would have caught this long before it started. 

Most importantly, she missed my transition from young adult years into my middle-aged years. I have so many questions about this time of life, that she certainly would have guided me through. Over the past 10 years, I have thought about that phrase: "It's Never Goodbye". I am believe and I believe this but in the land of the living it truly is. I know longer can hear my mother's voice, smell her scent nor get a huge when life gets hard. But what she did leave me with are beautiful memories and reminders that her strength resides in those left behind. 

Now in the next edition I will talk about her her dying wish.