Less Than 60-A Lesson in Living

My mother, Christiner W. Crosby, had less than 60 years on Earth. At age 57 she died from complications from a hip and femur fractures and a lifetime of illnesses. During her very short 57 years she did live. Here is a brief history of how she lived:

1-On December 25, 1971 she married my father. Not many people can say that they got married on Christmas. Not only did they marry on Christmas but my grandfather married them. 

2-My mother had two children, my brother John and I. Despite having to deal with bi-polar disorder for much of our childhood and adulthood she managed to raise two children who never did drugs, never were hospitalized for mental disorders, never had children out of wedlock, and managed to become two well adjusted kids. One with a beautiful family and the other who has dedicated her life to helping (teaching and mentoring) others. 

3-Parenting from the mental hospital. Even when my mother was hospitalized in state hospitals she would still call her children to parent them. One example is when my mother called me to ease my fear of thunderstorms when we lived in Michigan. The other is when she asked my brother to get on the phone after me telling her that he had not been to school in a week and did not have a fever.

4-Aftgans and crosses. My mother LOVED to crotchet and would often make her signature aftgans and crosses for people she loved. 

5-Movies and laughter. My mom loved movies and I have very fond memories of us going to the movies and or watching movies with her. 

6-Style-Even when my mother was ill whether physically or mentally, she always sported the best afro in town. 

Lastly, despite having to deal with 36 years of mental illnss and at least 20 years of physical illnesses my mother LIVED. Many would have given up at age 40, my mother lasted 17 years past that. She pushed through her pain and heartache so that her children could have their mother during the years that matter most. Sure I wish I had her at age 40, but I am thankful that she gave me her best years and taught me that true STRENGTH lies within all us. 

Moral of the Story: Stop complaining and start living! For we never know how long we will have on their earth and would not be better to have lived them living?   

Cover Me-A Daughter's Reflection of Dark Time (The Loss of her Mother)

October 3rd through November 3rd was one of many but probably the darkest time in my life. It is the period in my life that I watch my mother quickly slip away and leave this world after a fall which resulted in hip and femur fracture.

Reflecting back, I remember one thing that I did during this time. I prayed for peace (death) for my mother. Her pain during this time was one that no human being should have to endure after a lifetime of pain. In my heart, I knew this would be the best thing for her and it did not really matter how those that would be left behind for she left us with a great legacy. One that reminds us, that within us great strength lies and death is something not to fear.

As I no long remember her voice and smell, I certainty know that she is at peace. For the last time I saw her I saw a woman who looked liked an angel.

As the Kirk Franklin Song "The Storm is Over" says... "No more cloudy days, they are all gone.....no more sickness in my body... the storm is over now".

I will be forever grateful for my mother's love and guidance because she and her trials and tribulations have a lot to do with who I am as woman!

Age 39-The Beginning of the End (Reflection of My Mom)

During my science method course, we discussed health awareness and the importance of teaching it to young children.  We talked about habits learned in our youth can last a lifetime.  This led to a flash forward discussion about how what happens to us between 40-60 years of age determines whether we will live into our 80's and 90's. 

As I reflect on my mother's health path, the beginning of the end began for her just shy of her 40th birthday when she was 39 years old.  During a doctor's visit I attended with her the doctor told her that she had 20 percent kidney function and would have total kidney failure in two years. 

Two years to the date, when she was 41 or 42 years old her kidneys failed and she began a fast track to a road scarred with illnesses that eventually lead to her death at age 57 in 2007. 

It is interesting that I did not really think about I have just hit the first milestone after my mother's death or being the same age she was when her illnesses escalated. 

Her journey of pain and sacrifice taught me that it is always temporary, that we are truly given only what handle, and that in the end death comes as blessing and not curse. 

As I approach Mother's Day, my heart gets a little hardened but shortly after the date I am reminded of legacy my mother left me and the strength that she gave me to live a life of purpose and joy. 

Don't Cry for Me! A Reflection of a Life Cut Short

February 10, 2013 will mark what would have been my mother's 63rd birthday! A life cut short at 57 in 2007. This song is definitely a true reflection of my mother's struggles in life and her impact on others. My mother's struggles with physical and mental illness have taught me that life, and a healthy one at that, are not guaranteed. What is guaranteed is that through every trouble in life that is either personally felt or through the life of another can truly bless your life. My mother's battles were those that most could not bear and in the end she was tired and needed to leave this world to live a life without illness. Her life provided me a road map to what true perseverance is and inspired my to live a life where my mission is to improve the lives of others. Her strong spirit now resides in my soul and is a source of strength and comfort has I move through this maze called life.

Freedom: A Holiday Tribute

Finally decided to think about getting my first painting put into a proper frame. The painting is very sentimental to me for two reasons: It is a visual representation of how I feel inside and is a reminder of my transition after my mother' s death. After her death on November 3, 2007 I had a difficult time coming down decades of hyper vigilance-where I was constantly in a state where I thought and expected something bad to happen to her. Once she was gone I had learn how live again without a several trips to a hospital to see her and/or seeing her battling physical and mental disease. It is a tribute to her and I's spirit: Ever passionate and full of life, even when life threw us curve balls. I love you mom, although you are gone and I know longer remember your voice, your spirit runs through my veins.

Thank You, Mom for Your Presence in My Life

You never really know how much someone affected your life until they are gone! My mother was a "Force of Nature", a hurricane in my life. During my childhood she keep me safe, taught me to love learning and reading, and helped me understand the importance for fighting for the underdog. For someone with so many troubles (physical and mental illnesses) she was still able to raise a child who stayed away from the things that derail us from our true greatness. Without her guidance, I would NOT be the woman I am today. 

Even in adulthood when we often engaged in some heated battles due to differences in opinion, we still managed to love one another and have deep respect for each other. I never knew of my mother's fears surrounding her children until her death and because of her strength and guidance, I ultimately debunked those fears. 

I am so thankful that she was who she was so I could become who I needed to be. I can only hope that she is smiling from above with great joy! 

Thanks Mom, although we were only together for 34 years, we most certainly packed memories in that will last a lifetime. I will never forget your bi-polar antics and nights we stayed up late talking. You were and always will be my source of strength and for that, I thank you! 

TRUE PEACE -A Reflection of My Mother (November 2 to November 3rd, 2007-Two Days I Will Never Forget)

November 2nd is a day I will never forget. Friday, November 2nd marks five years to the day that my father and I decided to DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) my mother. After about a month my mother's body had had ENOUGH. 

Having to make this decision is something you never hope you will have to but you know if the time comes, you must honor the wishes of your love ones. My mother never wanted to be vegetable and after her massive heart attack on November 2nd decided to make sure that would not happen. 

Of course, this decision was not made in haste but done so with careful consideration and thought. I remember every detail of my final moments with my mother before her death on November 3rd. 

On this evening, after turning on my cell, I listened to several message from family members trying to alert me that my mother had taken a turn for the worst after battling complications of a hip and femur fracture for 30 days. 

When I walked into the room, I immediately noticed her lifeless body hooked up to machines. Although I had seen my mother on a ventilator before this time was much different. I notice how her body seemed paralysis-fixed in a state that she no longer wanted to be in. 

As I walked around her bed, I began my "CSI-Doctor Crosby" assessment: 

1-Touch under her eye-her eyes did not blink. 

2-Touch the palm of her hand-no reaction.  

3-Touch the bottom of her foot-no reaction. 

4-Tap her knee-no reflex response. 

Her face seemed in great distress and she appeared frightened. At that moment, I knew I was looking at a dead body being forced to breathe by machines. I then whispered to my mother that it was o.k. to leave us now and I quickly left the room. 

As I walked into the waiting room, I saw father, a man who I had never saw cry until this day. It broke my heart. At that moment we decided to DNR her after the doctors told us that they could continue to treat her but it would not change her situation. 

I left the hospital shortly after. I could not bear to be there when she died. I did not want to see or hear the machines stop and/or hear her last breathe. 

On the morning of November 3, I deliberately did not go to the hospital right away. I knew that this would be they day my mother would leave me. I called everyone I could think of to make sure that I did not make it to the hospital. Around 8 am, my father called to let me know that the doctors said it would not be long. I said o.k. and for him to call me when the time had arrived. An hour later my mother died. My father and I met up at the hospital about hour later so that the nurses could clean her up and remove all of the machines from the room. 

When I enter my mother's hospital room for the very last time I saw what I NEEDED TO SEE: a woman who had suffered a lifetime of illnesses and struggled for month at the end who was finally at PEACE. 

My mother looked like an Angel! Her face was relaxed and no longer held the image of fear and pain. I am so thankful that was the last image I was left of my mother. It helped me tremendously during the months after her death and continues to do so five years later. 

My mother's death solidified for me that HEAVEN does exist and in the end, we all leave this world without pain and have joy in our heart.