Freedom: A Holiday Tribute

Finally decided to think about getting my first painting put into a proper frame. The painting is very sentimental to me for two reasons: It is a visual representation of how I feel inside and is a reminder of my transition after my mother' s death. After her death on November 3, 2007 I had a difficult time coming down decades of hyper vigilance-where I was constantly in a state where I thought and expected something bad to happen to her. Once she was gone I had learn how live again without a several trips to a hospital to see her and/or seeing her battling physical and mental disease. It is a tribute to her and I's spirit: Ever passionate and full of life, even when life threw us curve balls. I love you mom, although you are gone and I know longer remember your voice, your spirit runs through my veins.

Thank You, Mom for Your Presence in My Life

You never really know how much someone affected your life until they are gone! My mother was a "Force of Nature", a hurricane in my life. During my childhood she keep me safe, taught me to love learning and reading, and helped me understand the importance for fighting for the underdog. For someone with so many troubles (physical and mental illnesses) she was still able to raise a child who stayed away from the things that derail us from our true greatness. Without her guidance, I would NOT be the woman I am today. 

Even in adulthood when we often engaged in some heated battles due to differences in opinion, we still managed to love one another and have deep respect for each other. I never knew of my mother's fears surrounding her children until her death and because of her strength and guidance, I ultimately debunked those fears. 

I am so thankful that she was who she was so I could become who I needed to be. I can only hope that she is smiling from above with great joy! 

Thanks Mom, although we were only together for 34 years, we most certainly packed memories in that will last a lifetime. I will never forget your bi-polar antics and nights we stayed up late talking. You were and always will be my source of strength and for that, I thank you! 

TRUE PEACE -A Reflection of My Mother (November 2 to November 3rd, 2007-Two Days I Will Never Forget)

November 2nd is a day I will never forget. Friday, November 2nd marks five years to the day that my father and I decided to DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) my mother. After about a month my mother's body had had ENOUGH. 

Having to make this decision is something you never hope you will have to but you know if the time comes, you must honor the wishes of your love ones. My mother never wanted to be vegetable and after her massive heart attack on November 2nd decided to make sure that would not happen. 

Of course, this decision was not made in haste but done so with careful consideration and thought. I remember every detail of my final moments with my mother before her death on November 3rd. 

On this evening, after turning on my cell, I listened to several message from family members trying to alert me that my mother had taken a turn for the worst after battling complications of a hip and femur fracture for 30 days. 

When I walked into the room, I immediately noticed her lifeless body hooked up to machines. Although I had seen my mother on a ventilator before this time was much different. I notice how her body seemed paralysis-fixed in a state that she no longer wanted to be in. 

As I walked around her bed, I began my "CSI-Doctor Crosby" assessment: 

1-Touch under her eye-her eyes did not blink. 

2-Touch the palm of her hand-no reaction.  

3-Touch the bottom of her foot-no reaction. 

4-Tap her knee-no reflex response. 

Her face seemed in great distress and she appeared frightened. At that moment, I knew I was looking at a dead body being forced to breathe by machines. I then whispered to my mother that it was o.k. to leave us now and I quickly left the room. 

As I walked into the waiting room, I saw father, a man who I had never saw cry until this day. It broke my heart. At that moment we decided to DNR her after the doctors told us that they could continue to treat her but it would not change her situation. 

I left the hospital shortly after. I could not bear to be there when she died. I did not want to see or hear the machines stop and/or hear her last breathe. 

On the morning of November 3, I deliberately did not go to the hospital right away. I knew that this would be they day my mother would leave me. I called everyone I could think of to make sure that I did not make it to the hospital. Around 8 am, my father called to let me know that the doctors said it would not be long. I said o.k. and for him to call me when the time had arrived. An hour later my mother died. My father and I met up at the hospital about hour later so that the nurses could clean her up and remove all of the machines from the room. 

When I enter my mother's hospital room for the very last time I saw what I NEEDED TO SEE: a woman who had suffered a lifetime of illnesses and struggled for month at the end who was finally at PEACE. 

My mother looked like an Angel! Her face was relaxed and no longer held the image of fear and pain. I am so thankful that was the last image I was left of my mother. It helped me tremendously during the months after her death and continues to do so five years later. 

My mother's death solidified for me that HEAVEN does exist and in the end, we all leave this world without pain and have joy in our heart. 

October 28, 2007-A Mother's Final Message to her Daugther's Life Partner

Sunday, October 28, 2007 is a very memorable date. Not only was it my brother's 32nd birthday but it was the day my mother gave her final and powerful message to my boyfriend, Matt. 

This day was shortly after my mother had surgery to repair her shattered right hip and femur bone. This Sunday Matt and I decided to visit my mother in the hospital. Prior to my mother entering the hospital, she told me that she wanted to tell Matt something. I tried to make her drop the issue but she insisted that the next time she saw him she was going to TELL HIM. 

So as we entered her hospital room, my mother appeared to be sleeping and kind of out it. All of sudden, her eyes opened and she proceeded to say the following: 

"Matt, Matt! It's time; it's time, for you to marry my daughter!" Then she fell back asleep. 

Both Matt and I were speechless and I personally had to chuckle years later because to had the last word. 

In the end, although Matt and I are not married, we are committed to each other, and are often more respectful to each other than some married couples are. 

A few years after my mother's death, Matt shared with me a letter that my mother sent him (I never new) and in it, she told him how happy she was for us and how she appreciated how he made me happy. 

With her words, he continues to do this today and I know my mother is just beaming up in heaven. 

It is memories like this that take the sting out of the loss of a love one. 

October 3, 2007-The Beginning of The End (Reflections of a Heavenly Transition)

October 3 will mark the day my mother's transition into heaven began. On this day, my mother fell, while in the hospital and shattered her right hip and femur bone. It is hard to believe that it has almost been five years since her death on November 3, 2007.

Each year I try to take time to reflect on her life and journey. This year I would like to reflect on some key words and quotes that reflect the 30 day period in which my mother made her transition from this world into the next.

At age 34 I watched my mother died rather quickly and have to endure a tremendous amount of pain. I remember when my family finally got in contact with me (I never keep my cell on and still do not to this day), my heart sunk and I thought: It is finally here. As a teenager I begun to realize that my mother would probably not make it to 60 years old and I was right: she died at 57. 

I could have never imagined that I would pray for DEATH but I did. Seeing my mother in traction for three weeks, her body fail her, and watching her vital signs move up and down like a roller coaster was very difficult but it is one that I felt life prepared me for. It strange saying that but its true. Prior to my mother's death I had at least two friends die prematurely-Robert and Milton. Both deaths gave me my first taste that death is real for humans and no one can escape it. 

As the days progressed I slowly watched the signs of reaper's presence: skin breakdown, vital signs of the walking dead, not wanting to eat,  etc. I continued to wonder does everyone's life have to end in pain. I would hope not but during our transition to our next life this is often the case. Luckily in death we (the living) get a glimpse of heaven. I will talk about that one later!  

One quote that comes to mind about the month of October is one I found in a book of quotes by Glenn Van Ekeren: "Well, you see, it's like this. The Bible says often, 'And it came to pass,' never, 'It came to stay." 

This quote reminds me that any pain we endure in the end or at anytime in our life only occurs in passing and never stays. This is mantra of my mother's life, one filled with many moments of pain and suffering but they never stayed and in the end she did find her rainbow. 

The other is the Poem-Don't Quit by Clinton Howell (http://www.angelfire.com/nt/Yeoh/Quit.html), particularly the first section: 

 When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, 
 When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, 
 When the funds are low, and the debts are high, 
 and you want to smile, but you have to sigh. 
 When care is pressing you down a bit, 
 Rest if you must, but don't you quit. 

This is exactly what my mother did most of her life and definitely for the last 30 days of her life. She held on so that we would have time to accept what was coming and have a few more days with her. I have always thought and will continue to think so that my mother endured a lifetime of mental and physical illnesses so that her children may live a healthy life. It is because her and my father that I do not take anything for granted and cherish my good health. 

Reflections of Human Frailty: A Tribute to My Mother

Wow! The day is here once again! It's been four years (11-3-2007) since you left your earthly body and entered into your heavenly one. Such a powerful force in whom I have become and what I still have left to do. During our time together you provided me the skills to face ANYTHING and help me understand how fragile the human mind and body truly are. I am always reflective of your suffering. I have yet to meet an individual who could have manage to still be a great mom even when you mind was fractured at times and when you body began to fail you. The sensitivity for others that you instilled in me is fierce. It is something that I will never let go of and will always remind me of you. I must say once again-although I no longer remember your touch, smell, or voice; I vividly remember your spirit.

25 years or less -A Life Cut Short! (A Tribute to My Mother)

Every year since my mother's death in 2007, I read a book or something on the illness that ultimately led to her death. This year I read: Madness-A Bipolar Life by Marya Hornbacher.

This book really gave me a better perspective on what it is like for someone with bipolar disorder and how maddening it truly can be for them. At the end of the book they list some interesting statistics, including the two that ring true for my mother: (1) Life expectancy of an adult with a serious mental illness is 25 years shorter than that of a person without and (2) the average age onset of bipolar disorder is 23 years. My mother was 23 when she was first hospitalized for what they thought was postpartum depression and she died at age 57.

After reading these two statistics I wondered what would life be for my mother if she never had the illness. Here is a list of my estimates for what could have happened:

• She may have never had kidney (renal failure) disease (she once took lithium-which later was found to cause kidney damage).
• Her diabetes may have never happened. My mother was fairly thin prior to her diagnosis, once diagnosed she packed on weight which probably increased the likelihood of her getting diabetes.
  
• She would have been a nurse and/or some type of scientist. My mother was extremely intelligent but the disorder robbed her of her true glory.
  
• Her and my father would have celebrated their 40th this year!
  
• and many more.
  

Unfortunately as a result of manic (bipolar) episode, my mother did not go to dialysis for several days, had to be hospitalized because of this, fell in the hospital (shattered her right hip and femur on October 3, 2007) and died as a result of this on November 3, 2007.

It's hard to believe that my mother spent 34 of her 57 years of life either having to deal with a mental illness and/or physical illness. Doesn't seem quite fair when there are tons of human beings running around being ungrateful for the life they were given and/or are choosing to live.

Thankfully my mother pains and heartaches provided me a valuable lesson on the true meaning of perseverance and the power of will to live regardless of what life throws you.

Moral of the Story: Stop complaining and start living because when your numbers up it's up!