Things Not Seen: Part 2 (Health Scares)

My mom missed so much after she departed the land of the living and something she missed that I wish she was here for was the health scares I had after her death: Breast Tumor and Frozen Shoulder.
I am quite certain if she were alive when I when a tumor was discovered in my breast during my second mammogram that I ever had I would not have flipped out. I suspect she would have gently reminded me of my family history of benign breast tumors and that everything would be ok. Instead, I had two weeks of thinking I had cancer. Thinking that I would get very sick despite being a very healthy person.

She also missed when I was diagnosed with a Frozen Shoulder and a time in my life when I first felt helpless. Having her here would have made me feel better. She most likely would have cooked for me, did my hair, and possibly even spent the night with me the first few weeks after my shoulder locked. Thankfully, I did have people to help me but I would have loved to have the love of my mother to help me through.

Interestingly enough, her battles with physical and mental illnesses have taught me that we can survive most things. We can still live even when we are surrounded around a sea of chaos.

Things Not Seen: Part 1-A Reflection of the Beginning of a Loss

Today is the anniversary of the “beginning of the end” for my mother, Christiner W. Crosby, who on October 3, 2007 fell and shattered her right femur and hip while in the hospital. That day set in motion 30 days of me preparing to lose someone who you deeply loved. For the next 30 days, I will write about the things my mother missed. The first is quite painfully because I selfishly denied her the opportunity to see it in December 1995. I completed my Bachelor’s degree in the summer of 1995 and chose not to walk in the December commencement. My mother was very upset but I assured her that she would see me walk when I got my Masters. That never happened because she died six months before I completed my Masters degree. If I could go back and change that moment, I would.

Now I can only reflect on what could have been. If my mother were present for all three of my graduations: Bachelors, Masters, and PhD, she would have probably put out a full page add on Facebook to share her joy. I remember fondly when I entered Kutztown we were living at the Pike motel and I wasn’t sure if I should go to college. My mother encouraged me to go and get my education regardless of our families situation of having to live in transitional housing and not having a home. I am thankful that she did. Because of her and my father, I am a well educated woman who working in a field that I love: Early Childhood Education and I have had the opportunity to change the lives of children through helping my students become great teachers.

That said I will forever live with the pain of being selfish.