10 Weeks of Reflection of My Mother's Death (10 Year Anniversary). Week 1

For the next ten weeks I going to reflect on the legacy my mother left me after her death on November 3, 2017. Week 1's theme is about Strength.

Whitney Houston's song I Didn't Know My Own Strength should be my mother's anthem and mine as well. My mother's life was plagued with illness, both mental illness and physical. Due to the fact that her bi-polar disorder had many extremes on both ends when it came to mania and depression, she had to take a host of drugs to manage the episodes. Although they did help lengthen the time between episodes, it came with a price. As I got older, I watch my mother move from dealing with mental illness to physical illness that in their combination would make anyone question "What's the point of all this?". Despite her later battles with the effects of diabetes and high blood pressure (renal failure) with a few more unexpected turns, she still remained strong. Her strength was evident in her children and my father. Most people never realized how sick my mother truly was unless you were in our closest circles. We hide it well.

My mother's ability to handle illness and raise two well adjusted children is legendary and she should have received a medal for it.

Unfortnately no matter how much strength lies in our veins, we all have our breaking point. For my mother, it was a hip and femur fracture that took her out.

The ability to perservere was one of the greatest lessons she gave me. It helped me to complete all three of my degrees, all while dealing with stuff. Every time I though about quitting I saw her face when she was dealing with her "stuff" and was reminded how she still was able be a great parent despite her pain.

A 10 Year Reflection: The Last One and How Others Forget

Mother's Day will forever be the 2nd worse day of the year. This year's marks 10 years since the last time I would have celebrated the last one with my mother before her death on November 3, 2017. Sadly, I have no memories of the last day. Partically because of what was going on during that time: a sick friend and dying boss and probably my mother was sick as well.

Interestingly enough I have noticed a trend over the years. Many who have not joined to "double whammy" club of motherless and childless, do not realize the pain that is felt during weeks before and certainly on the day of Mother's Day. It deep and often given a second thought. Although I have chosen to remain childless as a personal choice and people will tell me that my students are my children. It still does not negate that this is a painful and lonely time.

One is which very few check ins occur. No brunch breakfasts. Not even are you ok. The only solace is that I know that some are in my situation, others will join the "Double Whammy" club one day and all of us will be apart of this pain.

The lessons I have learned over the last 10 years is that grieving is truly forever. It presence in your life will come and go, but it is always in the background and when things are quiet enough you hear it. It's part of being human. This year I am around the same age my mother had a major health problem that was the beginning of the last 12 years of her life. One day I will be the same age, she was when she died.  That will be scary. And one day I will be well past her death age and thinking I may have conquered this grief thing.

So if you are paying attention, send a little message to those in the "Double Whammy" group: whether they are childless and motherless or have lost both of their parents. The attention is needed and when it isn't received you begin to wonder why.

Motherless Since 2007-A Mother's Day Tribute to My Mom

It is hard to believe that Mother's Day 2007 was the last Mother's Day I would celebrate. Last one for buying of a card from my mother, chocolate, or flowers. No more dinners at Red Lobster. If I only knew that she would leave this world 6 months later on November 3rd, I would have made it a special one. That said I have decided to write what I feel about her using her name. All of these words or phrases are very reflective of my mom.

Here we go:

Courageous beyond belief

Humble 

Religious 

Intelligent 

Sassy 

Talented 

Interesting 

Never ending faith 

Emotional 

Ridden with illnesses 

My mother is a Legend in my eyes. Her ability to deal with the great challenges she faced in the short life she had (57) deserves a medal. She can never be replaced and I suspect there will never be other like her. 

Gone But Not Forgotten-An Early Mother's Day Reflection

Around this time of year, I am reminded of the hole that lives in my heart. At 42, I have lived the last 9 years without my mother physically in my life. This journey beyond her death has taught me any lesson on what it means to be a strong woman and the responsibility I have to others to be so.

My mother taught me that strength is shown in many ways and often does not mean that you sacrifice your ability to be vulnerable or live authentically.

The death of a love permanently changes you forever and the loss of a mother simply makes you think differently. Her short life has taught me that our time is limited and we must live accordingly.

Over my personal and professional life, I have always struggled with why we must be silent. My mother taught me that silence although necessary sometimes cannot linger for too long. She taught me to talk out loud, cry out loud, and many others things. Showing emotion was not a crime and that having a differing opinion is not a crime but an opportunity for a discussion.

As I continue to feel like a "Fish Out of Water", either due to my type-A-personality or that some make me feel this way, I must remember that my mother raised me to be a strong, intelligent, playful, black woman who is passionate about life and helping others.

Mom I am listening! Happy Early Mother's Day in Heaven!

8 Years Without You at Christmas: Remembering a Loved One Lost (A Tribute to My Mother)

Holidays for me were forever changed many years ago and permanently changed when my mother died on November 3, 2007. Often during holidays, I find myself "faking joy" to mask the pain of not having my mother with us during the holiday. My mother loved Christmas and ironically my parents were married on Christmas Day. I believe this year would have been their 44th anniversary.

I am always amazed how many people do not take the time to "love" and remember their loved ones while they are living. So a simple task, but often put on the back burner. Trust me, do not wait. Because once they are gone, there are no more opportunities. Visiting a grave, going to their favorite place or writing about them will never replace seeing them in the flesh.

That said, we must never forget how they impact us,  but we definitely must learn to live without their physical presence in our lives and realize that they now "belong to heaven" and we will meet again when our time comes to make the transition from the living to the land of Angels.

Mom-I love and miss you. I am passing on the gifts you gave to me to others.

Your Story Lives! A Thank You to Mom

Holidays still 8 years out HURT! There is a seat at the table that is no longer filled. You left us shortly before Thanksgiving in 2007. Since then I am reminded of the importance of keeping your story, your legacy alive. You life was one that most could not live and would probably have died long before you hit your worse. Your legacy is one of strength. You were a woman who could endure a tremendous amount of physical and mental pain, yet some way manage to raise to well adjusted children. You were a woman who a great sense of gratitude in your heart and shared that with others. You were a HIGHLY intelligent woman who most certainly would have done many other things if mental illness did not rob your of your full potential. You taught me that whining and complaining about is life is USELESS. I rarely witness you doing that. 

Thank you Mom for being the best mother EVER! It is because of you I am a woman of strength and one that sees the possibilities in life. I will continue to share your STORY till we meet again. 

The Day After.......Remembering the Lost (A Tribute to Mother)

The lost of a love one changes us. The day after, the month after, the year after, the decade after and so on. Often in the immediate days following a loss we try to understand why it occurred. We blame ourselves, the doctors, and even our love ones for their death. Anger and sadness consumes us and we often feel a sensation of drowning without hope of recovery. 

But we will and must recover from our losses of those we love. For they want us to us. I know in my heart my mother wanted me the moments after her death to two things: fulfill her wishes, live on, and share her legacy. Although in the end we were not entirely able to grant her wish of having an autopsy and have her body donated to science for research (you can not donate and have an autopsy, too). We opted for a donation to science research. As a result, a group of medical researchers or students were able to study the effects of illness on the heart and how it affected our skeletal system. 

The greatest lesson I have learned every day since that November day was that our death's are often meant to be. Whether it is to end chronic pain and illness in the case of my mother or to grant extended life to another through organ donation (someone provided that for my mother years before her death). More importantly, we must not be compelled to cry every day. Our love ones would not want that for us. They would want us to live on. 

For those who are young in the game: Remember the loss of parent will leave an empty space that may never be filled, but the days, nights, weeks, and years will get better as we move through the stages of grief. 

The greatest gift we can give our departed parent is to live our life out fully and share the legacy with others.